People be Peopling

a note about boundaries

I have learned some wonderful things during my time in funeral service and have seen some transformative, healing moments. I have also had the opportunity to watch people unravel - times of high stress can open the door to the worst versions of ourselves. Sometimes we aren’t sure who we are going to meet until the day of a death occurs - but by then it may be too late to create or enforce boundaries.

Let’s back up.

The end of a life can mean many things. Here is a short list of what this could bring up for someone who’s loved one is dying:

Loss of stability

Inability to resolve past hurts

Loss of emotional support

Loss of income

Confusion and uncertainty

And the list goes on…

At the best of times, any one of those things is likely to send us spiraling or create frantic energy that often faces those we love most - or those we are in a place to interact with. Pile a few on, then add the overall grief one feels when their person dies and you have a recipe for raw emotions, frayed nerves and decisions made from the standpoint of fight or flight.

When viewed from this lens, it gives us some space to find compassion, but sometimes that is difficult to tap into when someone’s bad behavior is making things difficult for you.

The whole reason I do what I do is to create visibility around the end of life, hoping that if we understand each other better and create a shared language, we will in turn act better and give each other what we need. This is the goal - my end in mind. In the meantime, reality says people are gonna people sometimes and it’s good to be prepared.

What does preparation look like? Make a plan that allows for flexible (or not - you know your family) boundaries as needs arise and change, for both before and after a death occurs.

When someone is dying you should probably know who is legally in charge because that has a lot to do with decision-making. “In charge” can be different depending on if it’s the person or their assets, not to mention which state or country you are in. As a death care professional I can tell you - understanding this is often priority number one. You may not know what boundaries you are even in control of if you don’t have a full understanding of what your responsibilities are - or aren’t.

Make a list of people and behaviors welcome in the dying person’s space, in collaboration with the dying person and the care team - whoever that may be. Once you have that list, lovingly and clearly state the parameters. Once we get to that end I have in mind, these wishes will always be respected. At this moment, give it your best and know that you have done what you can do to create an optimal space for you and your loved one.

After the death has occurred and the funeral (celebration of life, party - whatever word makes the most sense) is being planned, get yourself an advocate who can try to manage people for you. A close friend or caring family member may be looking for a job and “funeral doula/bouncer” may be the perfect role. Get yourself a signal and when someone is approaching your boundary, have your FD/B step in.

Of course scheduled private time or even a private event all-together may give you an even clearer boundary, and I know sometimes those may be necessary.

The one thing that everything hinges on is your ability to express your needs and your personal boundaries. Tell people both what you need and what you don’t want. When you aren’t clear, you leave your boundaries up to interpretation and even those with the best intentions may not get it right. If you want the best opportunity to have your boundaries respected, you have to voice them - yourself or by proxy.

We get this wrong a lot - death creates opportunities for people to trample all over or completely run away from a boundary - but more so when they are invisible.

Think about the end of life. Plan for it. Learn the language and speak it to others, and when people get it wrong and are amenable, gently redirect them.

People are people. Let’s assume positive intent - because most people are trying to get it right or are willing to (eventually) be proven wrong. But because we live in reality and not my idyllic goal - sometimes you must draw and enforce your boundaries. May we rapidly get to the place where all healthy boundaries are respected.