Listen...

A note about giving people what they want

Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash

Do me a favor - if you are able, please take the next few moments to stop reading and take in your surroundings. Turn down your other senses while turning your hearing up. I know you are busy and in the middle of doing other stuff but just humor me! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - go!

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And we are back! This is what I think happened based upon my own personal experiment - you noticed that wherever you were was a little louder or had a little more going on than you thought. Maybe some noises surprised you, maybe some were interesting, maybe some were irritating. And then you got bored or impatient or wanted me to get on with it already and came back - or maybe and no judgement here you didn’t stop to listen at all.

I say no judgement because that would be pretty pot-calling-kettle of me. I do it too - we don’t often stop to smell the roses or, in this case, listen to our surroundings. We are compulsive doers and distraction seekers, which is why mindfulness is such a hot topic these days. We aren’t terribly good at it, so we have to give it a name and create this intention of practicing mindfulness in order to get back to ourselves.

What if the situation was not about listening to your surroundings, rather you were being asked to listen to someone speaking to you? Would it be easier or more difficult to a) stay quiet and b) hold your attention?

Unless you are a trained professional or naturally very quiet, you may already have an idea of where I am going with this. It is a common condition to “listen to respond” and we are often reminded we have two ears and one mouth for a reason - but it’s sooo hard! We know this logically, but putting it into practice can feel impossible!

It was difficult for me to realize that I couldn’t help everyone - even if I knew how to solve their problem. It was during my death doula training that I learned about unconditional positive regard - which means respecting someone as a human being and affirming their worth by giving them the gift of my acceptance… that I should meet them where they are without trying to change them. That doesn’t mean they won’t make different decisions based upon the time we spend together - in fact they very well may! But it won’t be because I told them they had to - it will come from them making a decision themselves.

What people want (including ourselves) and what we want to give people are two different things.

We want to fix people. We want to share our opinion. We like to help, which often means we like to hear ourselves talk. We want to make a difference and, sometimes, we just want to be right.

What people want (what you want) is to be heard. What people want is to be accepted. What people want is to be around people that don’t make them feel wrong, or cause them to feel guilt.

People want to be supported and educated, not lectured. Most often people don’t want you to solve their problem and would be better served by solving their own.

In order for us to give people what they want, we must practice listening for its own sake. Not to do something, not to fix something, not to get on with it, but to be in the moment. What if we could accept the moment for what it is, without rushing to get to the next, and what if we gave the person we were with our full attention and acceptance?

Instead of filling space with our words, what if we were quiet and just…listened?

I keep it real though - maybe when you listen to someone you will have your to-do list in the back of your mind and maybe you will even get a little bored. You know what? That’s cool. But, once you notice, maybe instead of giving in to impatience, you lean into giving the kindest and most helpful thing you may ever give someone you love - the gift of your attention and unconditional positive regard.

And maybe, when they ask a direct question because they want to know your opinion, you share what works for you…or perhaps you provide resources that could be beneficial. That’s also cool, and giving someone tools for their toolbox may be a great gift.

What I am suggesting is not easy, but it is worth it. Conveniently we have been built for this and when all else fails…remember what they teach us! We have two ears and one mouth for a reason - and may yours be put into practice!