Adult Breakups
Notes from the Field
When the powers that be informed me my manager was being reassigned to a new team, I was devastated. I sent an email asking them to reconsider, knowing that it would be useless but wanting to be heard. I cried for days. Like…sobbed. I sat in my hot tub, which was my happy place at the time, and allowed myself to feel miserable while I listened to my favorite This American Life Episode 339 - Break up. The similarities resonated; a surprise situation that was beyond my control, along with a sense of loss and uncertainty about my future.
Looking back, this was quite dramatic. Writing it out feels silly. I cried like the man died, but I am happy to share that 13 or so years later he is still alive, retired, and a friend forever. Over time, I realized that his step to the side allowed me to have new experiences, work with new people and gain new perspective - and I never really lost him at all.
The next time I felt like I had lost someone was when my (stay with me here!) trusted tarot reader retired. We were introduced through a mutual friend, and spoke about twice a year for several years. She was loving and kind. She cared about me and my family, and her guidance felt like it was coming from an old friend. In case you question the legitimacy of such a thing, she encouraged me to buy my Peloton when I was trying to convince myself not to. That was at the end of 2019 and when all the gyms closed down 3 months later, the Peloton and that community were my refuge.
When she stopped offering readings in 2020, again I felt a devastating sense of loss. It is always a weird thing when you pay for services from someone who feels like a friend, but it is worse when that “friend” is no longer available. I still grieve this loss, but the feeling is bittersweet. I remember her with fondness and I appreciate now what it feels like to miss her. It’s not a bad thing to long for someone; there is a beauty in the sadness. I do believe she was there when I needed her and when I was ready to grow and experience something new, she also stepped to the side.
My most recent break up was with my therapist. I started seeing him in late 2019 when I needed help parenting a teen, and it was perfect timing - we had an established relationship when the pandemic rolled around. I am grateful for his wisdom as he guided me through the messy Covid Years. He was there to help me contextualize the loss of my tarot reader, then offered support as I tried to find myself, as many tried to do after being locked at home and trapped with our thoughts.
In my search for a therapist, I wanted to make a thoughtful choice. I selected this particular person because, judging by the content on his website, I was fairly confident we aligned on several levels. I was right, and we did form a strong and caring relationship over 2 years of meeting weekly, then bi-weekly. I went through a lot of crap, and he forced me to honor myself and where I was in the moment. In 2022 when he told me he was moving, I was better prepared that I had been previously.
At our last session, we had a farewell ceremony and shared our thoughts on our relationship and it’s end. It was a special way to conclude our time together, and I appreciated the finality of the ritual. Unlike the previous two experiences, I didn’t cry much, in fact I tried to be stoic, but I did think that here I was again, losing one of my pillars of support.
As it happens, again I have found that his step north made room for another experience, one that is true to who I am today. I am reminded that every change is an opportunity for me to find the beauty in all relationships, and the growth in every new season of life. Every once in awhile I feel a pang of loss, but I am reminded that those feelings are just a sign that I am alive.
What I hope you take from my musings is that adults break up a lot, and it can have nothing to do with romantic partnership. Any time a relationship runs its course, you are going to feel something about it…and people are not always going to understand. I know that the examples I have shared, and the second in particular, will earn me some side-eyes but it doesn’t change the fact that what I have shared is true.
Experiencing grief that is not validated or understood by others is called disenfranchised grief. By sharing my experience, I hope to validate the feelings associated with adult break ups, bring attention to these very real and very normal situations, and encourage you to look for the beauty and the lesson in each relationship, current or laid to rest.